Good for a giggle

I'm not always one for forwarding jokes, but this one amused me. I have friends and even family who either come from, live in, or have deep affection for the countries listed here, so I'm either delivering some good laughs or about to be 'unfriended' by some Facebook comrades.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "****, I hope Australia will come and rescue us."

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!,” "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend," and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Arts and crafts (and little scraps of paper under the dining room table all the time)

The second half of 2009 was all about Phineas and Ferb. I freely admit I have no problem with this obsession. It's completely appropriate for first and third graders, and I don't have to worry about Leah singing about beer during school hours (The Simpsons) or saying "Hello, stupid" (any number of Charlie Brown specials). It's also pretty subversive. I've been known to laugh out loud when Agent P and Dr. Doofenschmirtz fight each other using infomercial products, and if I hear the song "S.I.M.P (Squirrels In My Pants)," the kids have to tolerate me singing along. Ever the photographer, if Leah manages to finagle a turn with the camera, she pauses a Phineas and Ferb episode and takes a picture of the TV screen:


Lauren, meanwhile, has been showing quite a flair for arts and crafts, and decided to do her own homage to the show. One afternoon, she made paper Fireside Girl hats and sashes (complete with crazy patches like the ones Isabella earns on the show) for herself, Maddie, and their friend Emma. She also made cutouts of Phineas, Ferb, and Perry:



Obviously, I think they're pretty cool, but I'm her mother. However, the fact that Leah kept trying to steal them was a pretty strong endorsement.

But talent like this does not develop in a vacuum. It takes practice and dedication. Lauren began her cutout career much closer to home, by making a cutout of Maddie as a toddler:

As you can see, she approached this project with the usual reverence we Hamiltons show our loved ones:

She communicates quite effectively when she wants to

I think most of us begin our relationships with our iPhones resolving that our children will not be allowed to touch them, like, ever. In our house, that lasted until I was out in public somewhere and needed to quell a rising tide of impatience. Sound familiar? Unfortunately, that was about all that was needed for Leah to fall in love with my iPhone. Now I'm constantly watching for stealthy (and not-so-stealthy) attempts to steal it.

Sometimes, like the other day, she's more direct. She couldn't find it anywhere (I've learned to secure it in a pocket whenever possible), so she resorted to the direct approach.

Leah: Mommy, do you want to share your iPhone with me?

Me: No, not really.

Leah: Yes, really.

I can almost envision a scenario in which she gets her own %$*& iPhone just because I'm sick of calling mine all the time to figure out where she's left it. Almost. The inappropriate factor aside (she's not a Hilton or a Jolie-Pitt or a kid named after a fruit), she would undoubtedly figure out how to call our relatives in New Zealand, and guess who would be left holding the bill?