Ghosts of Christmas Past: 2005

The ornaments were flying off the tree as fast as Tickle Me Elmo was flying off the shelves about a decade ago (thank God we didn't have kids back then).

To-Do List, Holidays 2005

· Put up tree. Explain to toddlers that glass ornament balls do not bounce.
· Sweep up glass ornament shards after twins test veracity of explanation.
· Introduce children to Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and Christmas specials. Do small happy dance when characters not named Dora, Boots, Diego or Tico generate enthusiasm.
· Load minivan with backup outfits, wipes, bribes, snacks, and juice. Squeeze kids into car also and take to family portrait appointment.
· Explain to photographer that “Bananapants!” is more effective smile-inducer than traditional “cheese.” Spend a couple of minutes explaining word’s “Dora the Explorer” origin in order to avoid receiving credit for it.
· Search digital slideshow for image with all three children looking toward camera, preferably without protruding tongues or expressions of horror. Inquire about photographer’s Photoshop knowledge. Consider other uses for outtakes.
· Make digital voice recording: “Ornaments stay on tree!” Place among branches.
· Locate kids’ sunglasses in summer swim bag. Give them to kids for viewing light display across the street.
· Disband Nutcracker army amassed under dining room table. Re-hang nutcracker ornaments on tree. Use SuperGlue if needed.
· Explain to five-year-old that Christmas stockings, painstakingly needlepointed by her grandmother, are not footwear, despite their name.
· Recycle InStyle magazine containing holiday gift guide. (They lost me at “tie-front belt of rabbit fur and sequined faux suede.”)
· Play Charlie Brown specials. Again.
· Remove Swiper and Little People policeman from nativity scene. Again.
· Introduce “Santa Claus is watching you” into family lexicon. Evaluate effectiveness under following circumstances: jumping on bed after lights out; overnight wake-ups involving video reenactments; insistent demands for chocolate-chip-cookie breakfast; toy theft; stripping of ornaments from tree.
· Apply for credit card with rewards program to cover expense of gifts to approximately 5,352 school personnel and therapy providers. (Goal: Parlay some of gift investment into fabulous trip to exotic destination. At this rate, should be attainable by late 2006).
· Re-hang more ornaments and erect chain-link fence around tree.
· Find out whether iTunes accepts returns. (Note to self: When you download tunes like “Feliz Navidad” and “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” for fun, chances are high that at least one of the children will adopt them as favorite holiday anthems and will insist on hearing them multiple times during one car trip.)
· Shovel path to front door. Then do the same outside.
· Take children to see Santa Claus. Convince them that they have not truly “seen” Santa unless they get close enough to him that he can see them.
· Show five-year-old how to “twin-proof” her room using objects from her environment: holiday catalogs, Styrofoam peanuts, and curling ribbon.
· Accidentally erase Charlie Brown specials from TiVo.
· New Year’s resolution: De-program children from week of unabashed spoiling by aunts, grandparents and great-grandmother.
Wishing you a joyous, prosperous, and (above all) sane New Year!