Meeting of the (quirky) minds?

What do you get when you cross Leah's Simpsons obsession with Lauren and Maddie's Playhouse Disney favorites, Little Einsteins and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse?

You get Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Daisy, and Goofy figures singing, "Mr. Plow, that's my name, that name again is Mr. Plow." (See The Simpsons, Season 4, which my DH gave me for my birthday a few years ago, and has entered regular DVD rotation.)

Christmas Present: The 2007 Holiday Letter

For the one or two of you who were wondering where it is:

A heartfelt (and heartwarming?) holiday greeting
December 2006: Annual batch of Hamilton holiday greetings are dispatched to post office, leaving us to ponder whether spirit of Christmas season would be better served by a heartwarming family message, instead of salute to sarcasm our yearly update has become. Then painkillers wear off (female head of household’s broken leg begins to heal).
However, in late 2007, with holiday card season approaching, we recall that brief, codeine-induced thought, probably because leg now serves as occasional bad-weather barometer. And so begins Christmas quest: Can Hamiltons do heartwarming?
We think to ourselves that spirit of season surely must be alive in three angelic children. As luck would have it, young Lauren is soon spotted playing with toy nativity set recently unearthed from basement. Nativity figures are neatly arranged in semicircle around cherubic baby Jesus. On closer inspection, Jesus’ crowd of admirers includes Santa, an elf, and Mrs. Claus. Menagerie in stable has been joined by reindeer. Lauren adds Christmas tree to corner of stable, and for finishing touch, delicately places dollhouse-size toy pizza under tree. Time to vacate area before lightning strikes.
Later we retreat to laptop, pondering heartwarming highlights from 2007. Christmas spirit is about to flow forth when Leah approaches with remote control, in pieces. Favorite self-stim activity, embarked upon whenever parents forget to hide relevant equipment, has recently devolved to dismantling remote. Extreme irritation quickly supplants heartwarming sentiments as we are forced to point out to Leah that umpteenth attempt at destruction has resulted in tear in rubber keypad. Leah replies, in best well-duh voice, “Tape.” Future Christmas moment pondered, in which Leah receives pieces of remote control in stocking.
Rankin-Bass-style Christmas spirit infiltrates household after repeated requests for airing of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Waking hours are not only ones affected by Rudolph overdose. In a dream, female head of household, transported back to college, is about to fail an advanced biology class she has barely bothered to attend or prepare assignments for. Rumpled nutty professor usually featured in dream replaced by Yukon Cornelius. Wahoo!
What could be more heartwarming than tree trimming? During arranging and rearranging of Christmas décor, Lauren and Maddie are observed lining up collection of nutcracker ornaments, apparently engaged in Yuletide tribal council competing for the title of “mediumest.” Parental units toy briefly with abandoning holiday projects in favor of pitching to CBS; in light of writers’ strike, gaping holes on schedule may leave America ripe for Survivor: Nutcracker Island.
In rare attempt to organize approximately 12 tons of school papers, we are reminded that milestones reached often are cornerstones of moving holiday missive. Next paper to come to hand: Note from Leah’s speech pathologist reading, “She was singing about beer today.” Are Santa’s elves mandated reporters?
According to preschool program, “Christmas is All Around.” We can feel heartwarming thought bubbling up from subconscious at sight of four-year-old class playing Bethlehem townspeople. Child playing Mary, however, appears less than impressed. Slumped slightly in oversized chair, baby sprawled in lap, eyes rolled slightly heavenward, her expression is less saintly serenity than something along lines of, “The Son of God is NOT supposed to have colic!” Surreptitious lightning checks ensue.
Rudolph fever reaches zenith at home as Lauren and Maddie propel reindeer cutouts around living room. Addled parental brains initially fail to register dialogue transpiring between Rudolph and Donner, but then realize four-year-old voices have been lowered to growls to better convey characters’ status as ‘mean’ reindeer. “Sometimes,” proclaim mini-growlers, “we eat people.”
With killer reindeer attack imminent, we are forced, finally, to concede that Hamilton holiday happenings are less heartwarming than idiosyncratic. We give.
Wishing you a unique 2008!
– The Hamilton Family

Funny-back guarantee: If the humor in this year’s installment does not meet expectations, you can view past years’ offerings: 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002.

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and ... Lauren

It's all Rudolph all the time at our house this month. Here's Lauren's interpretation of the holiday classic. (Note to self: batteries in electronic keyboard will not be particularly missed if removed.)

Actually, you should have gone shopping

Somebody (or rather, somebodies) took the song "All I Want For Christmas Is You" a little too literally.

Christmas Is All Around

That was the title of this year's Community United Methodist preschool Christmas program. Unfortunately, it's also the title of the song Bill Nighy's washed-up rocker sang in Love, Actually. So when it was time for them to sing "Christmas is All Around," all I could think of was Bill's line when his song becomes the Christmas number one: "Not that crap again!"

Which is, of course, exactly the reverence with which all parents should approach their children's public performances.

You know Dasher and Dancer and ... Maddie and Lauren?

Their dance class at Arts N Motion has included festive prancing in reindeer antlers.

Secret Santa?

We have no idea what Maddie was telling Santa, but he looks riveted. Lauren waited with Maddie in line but decided she wanted no part of him when their turn came. (She did deign to accept a goody bag, though.) A few minutes afterward, Maddie suddenly stopped and announced, "We have to go back." When I asked her why, she said, "I forgot to tell him we're going to be in Florida!"

Must ... resist ... cliche ...

I am NOT going to make any reference to a late-December holiday and Leah's feelings about a pair of central incisors. It keeps popping into my head, though, like a bad advertising jingle you want to forget but can't. It's lodged in my brain between the number for Empire Carpet and "the lawyer who sends flowers" (yes, there was a member of the Texas bar some years ago who billed himself that way).

In yet another quality parenting moment, we keep forgetting to have the tooth fairy pay up. Maybe that's why she's been kind of a pill this week. In five years she'll tell us, "Remember that week before Christmas when I made a lot of bad choices? Well, I was upset the tooth fairy didn't bring me any M&Ms."

Ghosts of Christmas Past: 2002

The year we moved to Maryland, and the last time we tried poetry at holiday card time. We conducted an unscientific experiment to ascertain who was actually reading the Christmas letter by putting the news of the twins at the end.

’Twas the Night Before Christmas 2002

’Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house

One poor creature was stirring, trying hard not to grouse.

While Alison and Leah were tucked up in bed,

Mike lay awake, restless, a sound in his head.

Such rumbling and whistling! Through his eardrums it bored

As his wife, dreaming happily, lay beside him and snored.

He could cope with her hormones, her changes in mood,

The fatigue and the nausea, the aversion to food.

But the nightly assault taking place on his ear

Left him thinking of June, when the due date will near.

Pregnancy symptoms aside, we’re all feeling quite good

Getting used to the seasons in our new neighborhood.

We couldn’t wait to take pictures of Leah in snow.

She took two steps outside and decided, “hell, no!”

It was hard to leave Florida; it’s our friends we miss most.

But we know it was right, because Mike loves the Post.

Leah’s busy all day drawing, playing, and swinging.

And that tune you may hear -- it’s Blue’s Clues she’s singing.

Some days we’re laughing, other days we’re perplexed

When she’s an angel one minute and Young Satan the next.

It’s par for the course -- after all, she’s now two,

With a mind of her own and trouble to brew.

As always, we welcome visits from friends

And hope we’ll see some of you before next year ends.

One more thing we should mention, that may cause some grins --

Our arrival in June is going to be twins!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: 2003

We were eager to show off new babies with an adorable holiday picture. The kids had other ideas.

Anatomy of a holiday photo shoot:

• Accept that Christmas picture of all three children requires parents' presence in photo. Take shower. Unearth eyeliner and lipstick
• Make sure children are fed and napped. Eye babies suspiciously for signs of spit-up.
• Brandish hairbrush at 3-year-old. Detangle hair, pull back from face while 3-year-old tries to hide under kitchen table. Regret procrastinating on haircut.
• Remove Bobby-Q the Talking Grill from hearth. Search for shut-off button as he announces, "Hey, c'mon, let's fire up the grill!" Consider permanent removal of his batteries. Trip on ExerSaucers. Move those too.
• Hand Auntie Julie digital camera upon her arrival for playtime with nieces.
• Persuade 3-year-old to put down Blue's Clues toothbrush and toothpaste. Hide them while praising her commitment to dental hygiene. Move children toward fireplace.
• Assign Daddy task of holding twins. Envelop 3-year-old in bear hug. Attempt to sugarcoat true purpose with words of affection. 3-year-old is not fooled.
• Moons align briefly, with all three children looking at camera. Auntie Julie’s verdict: "Pretty cute." Decide to try a few more.
• Persuade babies not to munch on fingers. Foil 3-year-old's escape attempt. 3-year-old squints as shutter clicks.
• Auntie Julie calls out to twins in best baby voice. Babies munch on feet. 3-year-old squirms some more.
• Auntie Julie makes faces at babies over top of camera. Babies fascinated by floor. Decide cradle cap is not their best feature. Keep trying.
• Allow spouse to wrangle giggles from 3-year-old by substituting "Mommy's a stinker" for "Cheese!" Envision day when "Who's a stinker?" routine loses appeal. Babies study ceiling fan.
• 3-year-old escapes, wrestles camera from Auntie Julie, demanding to see pictures on LCD display. Babies look straight at Auntie Julie and grin.
• Switch children with spouse. One baby looks out window; other baby studies older sister's passive resistance. Pray she is too young to absorb technique.
• 3-year-old locates toothbrush. Declare photo session over, for now. Review results on laptop screen. Contemplate another try.
• Select first photo. Decide Leah's protruding tongue and Daddy's crooked glasses are small price to pay for completion of Christmas card order. Fantasize about next year's picture.

Warm holiday wishes from the hectic, happy Hamilton household.

Ghosts of Christmas Past: 2004

Two toddlers. A singleton unsure how she felt about their newfound mobility. Need I say more?

Christmas 2004

Dear Santa,

We are eagerly anticipating your visit this year. Leah is honing her cookie-baking skills, including removing shells from the eggs and actually sticking to the recipe, instead of trying to improve it by adding half a bag of ground coffee to the batter.

With the big day approaching, we felt it was time to clear up any lingering misconceptions about our behavior. Lauren and Maddie, for example, are concerned that their motive for unrolling all that toilet paper might not be immediately obvious. They want to ensure the family is adequately supplied, and feel that counting each square allows them to inform their parents exactly when to add Charmin Ultra to the grocery list. As for the number of squares placed in the toilet bowl during these endeavors, Lauren and Maddie are trying to be extra-helpful by ensuring that all toilets in the house are flushing properly. Adding toilet paper is a quick way to spot potential problems. The twins are also trying to help when they count the Kleenex, and are also testing the ease with which each tissue may be removed from the box. The last thing a cold or flu sufferer will want is difficulty obtaining relief.

Leah also is worried about misunderstandings, particularly about the number of times she has been forced to remove toys from her sisters’ custody. Leah is very concerned about preserving family heritage, and the damage that small and inexperienced hands may inflict on priceless potential heirlooms. While she acknowledges that her actions may upset Lauren and Maddie now, she also feels that they will thank her years from now when they are able to pass Hokey Pokey Elmo on to their own children in near-mint condition.

All three of us want you to know that any relocation of Christmas tree ornaments is strictly for aesthetic purposes, as well as a continuation of family traditions. It was Mommy, after all, who once was a frequent ornament-switcher in her efforts to perfect the tree. True, some ornaments have ended up on the windowsill or dotting the living room floor; these are creative choices, and Mommy’s insistence on putting them back on the tree simply demonstrates a rather limited vision. Any breakage during this process is a small price to pay for art, don’t you think?

And while we’re on the subject of Christmas decorations, Lauren and Maddie would like to point out that if Fisher Price did not intend their nativity set to be mingled with other toys, they should not have designed baby Jesus to fit so nicely on the Circus Train. Judging by the smile on his face, Jesus quite enjoyed the rides he was given.

Knowing all that, we know you agree that there’s really no option here but to place all three of us high on your “nice” list for 2004. We look forward to putting out the cookies and milk again this year.

Sincerely,

Leah, Lauren, and Madeleine Hamilton

Ghosts of Christmas Past: 2005

The ornaments were flying off the tree as fast as Tickle Me Elmo was flying off the shelves about a decade ago (thank God we didn't have kids back then).

To-Do List, Holidays 2005

· Put up tree. Explain to toddlers that glass ornament balls do not bounce.
· Sweep up glass ornament shards after twins test veracity of explanation.
· Introduce children to Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and Christmas specials. Do small happy dance when characters not named Dora, Boots, Diego or Tico generate enthusiasm.
· Load minivan with backup outfits, wipes, bribes, snacks, and juice. Squeeze kids into car also and take to family portrait appointment.
· Explain to photographer that “Bananapants!” is more effective smile-inducer than traditional “cheese.” Spend a couple of minutes explaining word’s “Dora the Explorer” origin in order to avoid receiving credit for it.
· Search digital slideshow for image with all three children looking toward camera, preferably without protruding tongues or expressions of horror. Inquire about photographer’s Photoshop knowledge. Consider other uses for outtakes.
· Make digital voice recording: “Ornaments stay on tree!” Place among branches.
· Locate kids’ sunglasses in summer swim bag. Give them to kids for viewing light display across the street.
· Disband Nutcracker army amassed under dining room table. Re-hang nutcracker ornaments on tree. Use SuperGlue if needed.
· Explain to five-year-old that Christmas stockings, painstakingly needlepointed by her grandmother, are not footwear, despite their name.
· Recycle InStyle magazine containing holiday gift guide. (They lost me at “tie-front belt of rabbit fur and sequined faux suede.”)
· Play Charlie Brown specials. Again.
· Remove Swiper and Little People policeman from nativity scene. Again.
· Introduce “Santa Claus is watching you” into family lexicon. Evaluate effectiveness under following circumstances: jumping on bed after lights out; overnight wake-ups involving video reenactments; insistent demands for chocolate-chip-cookie breakfast; toy theft; stripping of ornaments from tree.
· Apply for credit card with rewards program to cover expense of gifts to approximately 5,352 school personnel and therapy providers. (Goal: Parlay some of gift investment into fabulous trip to exotic destination. At this rate, should be attainable by late 2006).
· Re-hang more ornaments and erect chain-link fence around tree.
· Find out whether iTunes accepts returns. (Note to self: When you download tunes like “Feliz Navidad” and “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” for fun, chances are high that at least one of the children will adopt them as favorite holiday anthems and will insist on hearing them multiple times during one car trip.)
· Shovel path to front door. Then do the same outside.
· Take children to see Santa Claus. Convince them that they have not truly “seen” Santa unless they get close enough to him that he can see them.
· Show five-year-old how to “twin-proof” her room using objects from her environment: holiday catalogs, Styrofoam peanuts, and curling ribbon.
· Accidentally erase Charlie Brown specials from TiVo.
· New Year’s resolution: De-program children from week of unabashed spoiling by aunts, grandparents and great-grandmother.
Wishing you a joyous, prosperous, and (above all) sane New Year!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: 2006

The Year of Jose Feliciano. It really was the most played song on my iPod that year.

The Twelve Months of Christmas
Or, “Feliz Navidad” meets iPod: A cautionary tale

January 2006: Minimal arguments when tree comes down and holiday lights go out around neighborhood, yet requests for “Feliz Navidad” during car rides continue unabated. Apparently the holidays are over everywhere but our minivan.

February: Holiday ornaments AWOL from tree begin turning up among couch cushions. “Feliz Navidad” climbs to top of ‘Top 25 Most Played’ iTunes playlist. “Christmas is over” battle plan abandoned in favor of more serious skirmish: Convincing Leah that practicing contortions that allow her to get out of her car seat without unfastening the seat belt is not a good use of her time. Jose Feliciano continues to rule minivan airwaves.

March: “Viva Las Vegas” takes over during two-day reprieve from festive holiday tunes – sister Heather’s bachelorette shenanigans. Upon return to reality, however, kids find it a poor substitute for their favorite. A fading temporary tattoo of the cast of “Thunder from Down Under” is then the only souvenir of the weekend.

April: Arrival of Easter and temporary fascination with plastic eggs and bunnies do not lessen requests for a certain Christmas carol. iPod once again gets a break from holiday cheer during trip to California for Heather’s wedding. No reprieve for babysitter, however, since Leah has located “Feliz Navidad” on home computer.

May: “Feliz Navidad” emanates from minivan during drizzly wait at bus stop. Passing neighbor smiles, says, “I like your Christmas music.” No time to ponder whether this means, “You guys are endearingly quirky” or, “Two houses between yours and mine is not nearly enough.”

June: The community pool is open, but the spirit of Christmas continues. Mood in driver’s seat wavers between ‘bah, humbug’ and alarm at inadvertent harmonizing with Jose Feliciano.

July: “Feliz Navidad” perks up twins on ride home from Fourth of July fireworks. After an impatient half-hour wait, twins dive for cover at first explosion. Once equilibrium is restored, Maddie, in classic display of 3-year-old logic, calls fireworks “cute” and declares, “I love them!”

August: iPod returns to Apple for battery replacement. Repeated acquiescence to “Feliz Navidad” requests probably partly to blame. After a couple of weeks of reliance on local radio (calling in a request for “Feliz Navidad” seemed imprudent), iPod returns in time for Leah’s surf day in Virginia Beach. Christmas spirit is alive and well on the shore.

September: Reprieve? Laurie Berkner challenges Jose Feliciano in backseat passengers’ affections with “The Happiest Song I Know” and “I’m Not Perfect.” Minivan musical repertoire occasionally expands to include Carly Simon’s “Coming Around Again,” acceptable because it includes the lyrics to “Itsy Bitsy Spider.” “Feliz Navidad” still periodically requested.

October: New song preferences wear thin in driver’s seat. “Snuggle Puppy,” a musical take on a favorite Sandra Boynton book, is introduced. Regret follows minutes later, when it becomes clear that listeners are not satisfied unless song is played a minimum of three consecutive times. “Feliz Navidad” regains some appeal.

November: Spouse downloads soundtrack from “Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.” Three delighted Disney fans decide they not only like to request Mickey songs, they also like to sing along at high volume. At times, adult playlists can be substituted without vocalists noticing. The lesson: some “grownup” songs mix better with Mickey Mouse lyrics than others do.

December: Christmas carol playlist makes annual debut on drive to holiday festival. When “Feliz Navidad” comes on, Maddie asks, “Is this a Christmas song?”

Wishing you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of our hearts,
The Hamiltons: Mike, Alison, Leah, Lauren, and Madeleine

Maybe Baghdad ain't so bad

Halloween Fun, Part IV

Auntie Julie is not available for participation in spooky shenanigans this year, unless you count body armor as a costume. But we didn't want her to feel left out. We decided her car could be her proxy -- surely she would approve of draping one of her possessions in spiderwebs!

Halloween Fun, Part III

For the second year in a row, Leah was adamant that she wanted to be Mickey Mouse. She also seemed very concerned that our neighbors not be confused about her presence on their doorstep. To that end, she greeted everyone with an emphatic, high-volume "trick or TREAT." Occasionally she thought it was important to ring the doorbell, even though the neighbor in question was already out on the porch. Fortunately, our neighborhood is used to our particular brand of quirkiness. We are, after all, the family that has been heard playing Feliz Navidad at the bus stop in April.

When she wasn't engaging in in-your-face trick-or-treating, Leah decided the best view of the festivities came from the roof of our Honda Civic.

Mickey Mouse Clubhouse meets the cast of Fame. Or something.

I've died and gone to football hell

Navy 46, Notre Dame 44. And if I hear Tom Hammond talk about a broken 43-year streak one more time I will find a way to heave my unwieldy, 37-inch-screen, pre-flat panel television out my family room window.

If you're out and about in Annapolis this weekend and see a bunch of drunken Midshipmen, you'll know why.

Halloween Fun, Part 2

Guess whose husband bought her a battery-operated pumpkin carver?


It must have brought out the "Chainsaw Al" in me. Something about having a (small) power tool inspired me to create the above tribute to cannibalism.

Our other offerings were a bit tamer: Charlie Brown (which was actually the one I shed blood over) and a pirate ship. Pumpkin carving was much easier on the hands and wrist thanks to the addition of four AA batteries.

The house was a wreck, but by God, we had pumpkins.

Halloween Fun, Part 1

Best costume I saw this year belonged to Aidan (age 14-15 mos), who lives across the street. According to his parents, his favorite thing to do is bang on anything he can find. So they turned his wagon into a drum kit, added some bling and some hair gel, and voila! Aidan is a rock star.

In the background, you can see Maddie puckering up for Aidan's sister Emma. I let her accessorize her Snow White costume with some lip gloss, and she spent the early part of the night sticking her face out, saying, "look at my new lips!"

Thank God I didn't use the one with collagen ...

Cover Girl

A couple of Saturdays ago, Mike took the twins to an open house at the volunteer fire department. A photographer from the local paper took Lauren's picture and she ended up on the cover of a weekly newsletter. Click on the picture to see the publication.

Am REALLY trying to figure out ...

what my kids' fascination is with putting pants on their heads?!!

A more literal way to drive us crazy

Our neighbors' daughters outgrew their Barbie Jeep, and Lauren and Maddie were the beneficiaries. Lauren is quite proud of her newfound ability to do doughnuts in the front yard. Maddie has mixed emotions about being a passenger during Lauren's excursions. She's getting a very early preview of what it might be like as a parent to ride shotgun with a child who needs steering practice.

Lauren got a crash course in some of the rules of the road. Steering and talking on her telephone are not a great mix, for example ...

... and might lead to a fender bender. (No harm done, Auntie Julie!)

Quality Parenting Moment #92731

First sentence in the note from Leah's school speech pathologist: "She was singing about beer today." Luckily the second sentence was, "Hilarious."

Once again, we have The Simpsons to thank. Some might think Mike and I should be smacked upside the head for leaving the stash of Simpsons episodes on the TiVo (and for adding to them, since we still have a Season Pass). In our defense, any parent of an autistic kid will tell you that willingly getting rid of something that is motivating to your child is about as smart as flushing money down the toilet.

Leah's current favorite is the season premiere, in which Homer finds himself on Mr. Burns' deluxe corporate jet after saving him from a mall fountain. Lionel Richie provides onboard entertainment, and obligingly performs a version of "Say You, Say Me" in which he substitutes the word "beer" for all of the lyrics. Get the tune in your head and then sing along: "Beer, beer. Beer, beer. Beerbeerbeerbeerbeer ..." You get the idea. Last night, during her end-of-day stim time with the remote control in our bedroom, she was practically rolling on the floor. Needless to say, she used her thorough working knowledge of the remote to rewind that scene a bunch of times. Seeing Leah crack herself up that completely was pretty hilarious to watch, so a vicious cycle was born. Leah sang, dissolved in laughter, and then started over again when she caught us giggling at her.

Clearly she decided to entertain the troops at school also. We are, of course, thrilled that she chose to show off this new routine to a building full of mandated reporters. I wonder if she also tried her second-favorite line from that episode, which cracks her up almost as much as the beer song. She greeted me with it when I walked into the bedroom to see what all the laughter was about, and I can imagine her using it when she gets off the bus:

"My name is Svetlana."

Waking up the echoes

Heather and I were thrilled to be present for Notre Dame's first (and sadly, still only) victory of the season. Young Jimmy Clausen maintained his perfect record -- he is now 45-0 in Southern California, as our friend Doug pointed out after the game. While I am a huge fan of The House That Rock Built -- I have many happy memories there of yelling myself hoarse and ducking flying oranges (I was there at the zenith of the Notre-Dame-Miami rivalry) -- clearly Notre Dame should look into renting the Rose Bowl for the remainder of the season. It might also help if Heather and I were to take hiatuses (hiatii?) from our regular lives and follow the Irish, perhaps in a state-of-the-art RV with Onward to Victory painted on the sides in blue and gold. Since ND's only win this season occurred in our presence, it seems it's the least we can do to help the team.

Besides, continued tailgating involving jello shots might produce more pictures of Heather that look like this:

I. Hate. The Vikings.

I am in the throes of post-suicide pool depression, having once again been eliminated from Dave Renbarger's annual march to riches. Sigh. No more fantasies about the $1,600+ pot. My bookmarks pertaining to the latest NFL lines will go unused until next year. Sigh.

The architects of my despair this year are, once again, the Minnesota Vikings. I have two teams I avoid picking like the plague -- the Vikings and the Carolina Panthers. Both have failed me on more than one occasion in the past. But apparently I need to avoid any game in which the Vikings are playing, not just the ones they should be able to win. Yesterday they beat the Bears with a last-second field goal and once again sent my suicide pool season into the toilet. And of course, the other two teams I contemplated picking won easily. I hope it's the last game the @%*& Vikings win this season.

A (very small) consolation prize -- I do have minor family bragging rights, since Mike was eliminated a few weeks ago. In the end, however, we both won the same thing: Nothing. Our bank accounts are equally empty.

Quality parenting moment #86342

I was driving home late one afternoon with only Lauren in the car, sitting in the seat directly behind me. I could see the top of her head bobbing in my rearview mirror and suspected she might be falling asleep. I asked her, "Lauren, are you awake?" A dumb question, given who I was talking to, since Lauren is the child who currently declines to speak above a whisper. I couldn't hear her, couldn't see her if I wanted to keep my bumpers in roughly the same shape they were in when I left the house, and for some reason, at that moment, I really wanted to know whether she was awake. I decided to ask her to demonstrate a newly acquired skill.

I said, "Burp if you're awake."

She complied.

OK, I'm sorry

REALLY sorry for all of the clothes I refused to lend you growing up, and for the time I clocked you over the head with a toy guitar, and the time my friend and I signed most of the pages in your autograph book, and for any insensitive sisterly commentary on any subject, including but not limited to braces, hair, facial imperfections, clothing, friends, dating, or choice of hair products.

I'm going to back away slowly now.

Thanks, Auntie Julie

Lauren and Maddie want to give a special shout-out to Auntie J. for leaving them in charge of her car. They've been giving it lots of personal attention.

Maddie is hoping her appearance in the following will cancel out any extra fingerprints found on the windows:

Leah's Portfolio

The start of school has lowered Leah's output somewhat, but she still finds time to create more pictures than I can keep up with. Among her recurring themes is the Peanuts gang. Ever since Auntie Julie eagerly introduced the troops to A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving a couple of years ago (and then lamented that they made her watch it three times -- be careful what you wish for!), all three kids have been loved collecting the old holiday specials and movies on DVD. In this picture, you can see Schroeder, Lucy, Charlie Brown, and Linus. Now if I could just get her to quit putting eggs in the oven (a la Marcy in It's the Easter Beagle ...), we'd be in good shape and I wouldn't have to try to hide them in the fridge. Good grief!

Frogs at Last

After watching Leah prepare for another school year -- with accompanying new shoes and bags of school supplies --
Lauren and Maddie were quite excited to put on their "first day of school" outfits and pick up their backpacks again. They headed back to the preschool at a nearby Methodist church and professed to be pleased to be in the Frog class (four-year-olds), as opposed to the lowly Tadpole class (the threes). They get to eat lunch at school this year and had fun hitting me up for lunch bags. Lauren picked Little Einsteins; Maddie went for Spider Man. Both have come home tired during the first couple of weeks. Maddie loudly denies that she needs any kind of quiet time in her room, then ends up being the one who conks out on her bed when I ignore protests and make them take it.

D'Oh!

In case you thought Leah was lying low during Maddie's songwriting frenzy, it should be noted that she achieved a milestone of her own recently. We often wondered if or when she'd ever ask us a question, so you can imagine Mike's amazement when she asked him, "Daddy, what's that?"

She was camped out on our bed at the time, scrolling through an episode of The Simpsons on our TiVo. (Another dubious recent achievement is Leah's mastery of, and subsequent obsession with, remote controls. We have had to find some creative hiding places, and when we forget we are apt to find her in a frenzy of rewinding and fast-forwarding to favorite scenes.) The episode featured a vignette called "Revenge of the Geeks," featuring Milhouse wielding a revenge machine against the bullies of Springfield Elementary. We see him choosing from a variety of settings, from 'wedgie' on up. So when Leah stunned Mike by asking him a question, she wanted him to read some words from the screen. Unfortunately, the answer to the first "Daddy, what's that?" was "Purple Nurple" and the follow-up "Daddy, what's that?" was "Wet Willie."

The autism experts always say that language gains come when the kids are highly motivated. As long as she doesn't greet her teachers with a big "Good Morning, Dinguses," we'll probably be all right.

(Off Her) Rocker

In the waning days of our long, hot, strange summer, Maddie seems to be possessed by the spirit of Jimi Hendrix. No longer satisfied with sweet-faced renditions of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star," our Madeleine has discovered rock and roll. She announced that she was going to give a concert. ("Not a big one. A little one," she said, holding her thumb and forefinger about an inch apart.) It took Mom a few renditions of Maddie's original single, "Rock it Down," to remember that we had a means of recording it, probably because I was so busy trying to figure out whether there was any way we accidentally let her watch "School of Rock." The visible panty lines -- in Maddie's case, visible over the waistband of her skirt -- give her first music video an extra edgy look. Apologies for the shaky camera work -- recording and laughing are not always compatible.

Just as Elton John announced he will never again perform his Diana tribute version of "Candle in the Wind," Maddie also issued a performance embargo on "Rock it Down" on the grounds that it really isn't funny. Fortunately for her public (and her parents, who are still hoping one of their children will support them in their old age), Maddie wasn't done songwriting. Her new single, "A Rocket Landed on the Roof Last Night," with sister Lauren on keyboards, is about to drop. Below, an exclusive preview:*

* We discovered this morning that most of "A Rocket Landed on the Roof ..." is borrowed from an episode of Between the Lions. I can't decide whether to feel regret or relief that Maddie did not actually come up with the lyrics herself. The arrangement, however, is undoubtedly her own.

Surfers Healing

It ain't exactly professional quality, but if you keep your eye on the center of this video, you'll see Leah surfing (the guy in blue is holding her) ...



Here she is at closer range having fun in the very rough waves. Next to her is Karen (from the wedding post), who is living in the Virginia Beach area now and came to see Leah.



It was a great day and we're already looking forward to next year (although Mike will be happier if the drive down is less than 6 1/2 hours).

Finding her voice again

Lauren's speech at home is approaching normal levels, with one notable quirk: She is doing her talking through her teeth. Getting her to talk in school is going to be a more challenging job, but for now I'm happy to be hearing her voice again. Attached is a short video of my two exhibitionists singing 'Twinkle, twinkle ...' It quickly devolves into all-out goofiness (video editing is not in my skill set at the moment), but I thought those who haven't heard Lauren's voice in awhile might enjoy it anyway.

More from HersheyPark

Rides were ridden. Copious amounts of chocolate were consumed (except by Lauren). We had a great time and will definitely be back.

Leah spent most of Tuesday riding grade 3 (out of 5) roller coasters. She rode this one four times and another three times.

Maddie conquered the forbidding Carousel and Lady Bug ride.

Lauren had a great time on all the kiddie rides.

Alison and Mike survived.

On to Virginia Beach tomorrow and Surfers Healing day on Saturday.

More photos on ...

www.flickr.com

Mike is bracing for divorce papers

No way can I compete with this.

Waves to you from HersheyPark

Here's Lauren looking over the wave pool at HersheyPark today. We arrived yesterday and will return home Wednesday.

Lauren wanted no part of the wave pool but liked the gentler kiddie pool. Maddie eventually loved the wave pool but was terrified of (yes, really) the merry-go-round. Leah wanted to stay in the wave pool until winter but eventually moved on to other rides, never wanting to stay still for long.

What are quirk-free kids like, anyway? As if anybody in our audience would know anything about that.

More posts coming later in the week from here and Surfer's Healing in Virginia Beach.

HamFam at the pool

The happiest surprise of the summer has been Leah's swimming. She hasn't had a lesson since last summer and is basically teaching herself.



Definitely showing her Florida roots there.

Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?

We did. On the way to Mike's work party last Saturday, we drove by the one in Bladensburg, MD -- one of 12 7-Elevens to undergo the transformation in anticipation of the Simpsons movie. Their stock of Krusty-Os and pink frosted donuts were selling pretty well; people buying Simpsons memorabilia were taking the 'kwik' out of 'Kwik-E-Mart.' No one seemed to mind, though - a good chunk of the people in the store were also Simpsons tourists, snapping pictures and laughing at the Simpsons touches throughout the store.

We uploaded the rest of our pictures to Flickr, which you can view by clicking below:

www.flickr.com

A New Favorite

Auntie Heather will surely approve: Lauren and Maddie have discovered Uno and are constantly asking to play it. Some of the subtleties of the game elude them, such as not showing your cards to your opponent, and picking a color you actually have when you play a wild card (instead of your favorite). They live to play Skip and Reverse cards. They have a couple of years to hone their skills before their grandmother can whisk them off to Paris for an opportunity to play Uno in the Louvre with another generation.

Quirky obsession check-up: PBS Kids

In addition to her current fascination with road signs and TiVo, Leah is currently a big fan of the PBS Kids logo. Actually, it was the TiVo obsession that gave rise to this one. Once Leah figured out how to locate her favorite programs, rewind, fast forward, and pause, she was able to turn watching TV into a self-stim art form. If we are not quick enough to hide the remote control, she can repeat scenes over and over to her heart's content. Lately, she likes to hit pause at the end of "Between the Lions" and run between the family room and dining room table (which spends most of its time as Leah's art studio) as she draws versions of her new favorite logo.

Lauren's lip

The plastic surgeon who stitched her over the weekend pronounced himself satisfied with Lauren's recovery. It looks much better and doesn't seem to be bothering her at all. Of course, his order to keep her on a soft diet this week has allowed her to polish off a large number of croissants, so there's no reason she shouldn't be happy. Monday was probably the toughest day, and though she kept denying she was in pain, her demeanor and body language suggested otherwise. Yesterday, when I asked her if she had told me it didn't hurt because she didn't want me to give her medicine, she gave me one of her classic smirks. A fat, throbbing lip is apparently preferable to me with a medicine dropper.

I thought I was hurting for material ...

I didn't count on Leah. The other morning, in the middle of getting the three of them ready for their various summer activities, I handed Leah her clothes and told her it was time to get dressed. A minute later, while I was rummaging for snack items, I heard her say, "My clothes are on backwards." I took my head out of the pantry and beheld Leah with her shorts on her head, her shirt around her legs, and a self-satisfied smile on her face, checking herself out in any reflective surface she could find. Here's the G-rated, Internet-wacko-deterrent picture.

A Purple Heart For Bravery?

The cake was barely cut at Karen and Drew's wedding when my phone rang (a Notre Dame Victory March ring tone, which is probably a dicey choice at a wedding with a heavy Midshipman presence). Kate told me Lauren fell and cut her lip. Our neighbor, Lisa Albright, was helping Kate stop the bleeding and maintain the equilibrium, but it was clear we needed to leave ASAP.

After a false start with the car (that's a whole different post), we made it home, where I scooped Lauren up and took her to Nighttime Pediatrics. She was a little teary when we arrived home to get her, and the cut was still bleeding off and on. I was pretty sure she wasn't going to be able to avoid stitches this time. Lauren calmed down pretty quickly and was pretty cooperative as they cleaned the cut and checked her face. Unfortunately, they told us because of the location and nature of the cut (right above the right corner of her mouth, and crossing something called the vermilion line), Lauren really needed to be attended to by a plastic surgeon. Off we went to Anne Arundel Medical Center, stopping to collect juice, books, and a Leapster to pass the time.

If this had to happen to anyone, we were probably lucky it was Lauren. She was unbelievably good, especially since she was in pain, bleeding off and on, and waiting around environments not designed for children. Her only real show of impatience was with me, when I snagged a Cheez-It from the bag she (silently, of course) asked me to buy from the vending machine. In my defense, she wasn't eating them, probably because that wouldn't have felt too good. Nonetheless, if looks could kill ... She practiced writing letters in a coloring book they gave her, then began to color some of the pictures with bold, red strokes. I asked her if the bears in the pictures had cut themselves and she nodded yes. When we got back to her trauma room, we colored some more and made lots of rubber glove balloons. When Lauren discovered there was a curtain she could open and close, we had some peek-a-boo fun too. She was even eager to help the doctor, proffering her blankie when she heard him tell me they would wrap her up, numb her, and do the stitches. She handed him things as he set up his instruments, too.

This good humor lasted until he had to numb her mouth, which entailed several sticks in her lip and must have hurt more than getting the cut. As a veteran of a few dental procedures lately, I could pretty easily imagine her pain. Even then, she cried quite a bit but did not fight them. I got a front-row seat as they put a few stitches inside and outside her lip. She did a pretty thorough number on it -- my best guess is that her teeth did the damage.

She regained her sense of humor pretty quickly and insisted on packing my purse with a few of her favorite glove balloons and her blankie, since she decided the thing she most wanted to carry was her antibiotic prescription. We got home around midnight, treated her to a couple of popsicles (she's on a soft diet for a few days) and got her to bed. Mike reported that Maddie wasn't too keen on going to sleep without Lauren, and that they had played a lot of 'doctor,' treating Maddie's baby doll for any number of ailments.

Today she shook her head no every time I asked her if it hurt, so she's either healing well or very brave. The mouth is a bit puffy, and while she has tolerated the Neosporin I've rubbed on it intermittently, she wanted no part of the liquid antibiotic the doctor prescribed. I've given it to her twice and she's worn a lot more of it than she's swallowed.

Here she is, sporting the prizefighter look:

A Celebration in [Not West Point]

I got my first real look at the Naval Academy at Karen's wedding on 7/7/07. The campus is stunning -- it's pretty easy to forget that the groups of plebes marching around campus during their orientation summer are probably not having very much fun at all. Proof that all of this is survivable: Karen's new husband Drew, who seems to have retained a nice sense of humor despite having survived Plebe Summer, plus four years at the academy.

Happy Dance

Lauren was quite caught up in the Fourth of July excitement (at least until the fireworks really started booming). In celebration of that, and the fact that I just learned how to post video clips, here she is in full goofball mode.

Fourth of July Fireworks

All day, they wanted to know when we were going to go to see the fireworks. Maddie decided that now that she's 4, she's not afraid anymore. Leah, who loved them last year, was similarly excited.

We parked in Bowie Town Center and got out our beach chairs to watch the show -- a good vantage point, and not as loud as actually being in the park where they were setting them off, we reasoned.

Maddie's excitement evaporated and she stayed buckled into her car seat.



Leah, who is in a road-sign phase, saw a stop sign and it was all over after that. Red octagons are more exciting to her than fireworks at the moment. Mike took on the job of keeping her safe in the parking lot as she tried to satisfy her obsession.


Lauren's excitement was infectious. She danced, she smiled, she showed off her strength by lifting her Backyardigans chair over her head.

Until the fireworks started, when she decided that she would rather watch them from the relative safety of the car. So she alternated between sitting in her seat next to an unhappy Maddie and peeking out the sliding door next to Leah, who, as you can see, kept checking on her stop sign instead of watching the show.

Mike and I can attest that Prince George's county puts on a pretty good show.

Maddie perked up once the car started. She decided that we could buy her a pair of headphones for next year and then maybe she'll like the fireworks when she's five.