Christmas Present: The 2007 Holiday Letter

For the one or two of you who were wondering where it is:

A heartfelt (and heartwarming?) holiday greeting
December 2006: Annual batch of Hamilton holiday greetings are dispatched to post office, leaving us to ponder whether spirit of Christmas season would be better served by a heartwarming family message, instead of salute to sarcasm our yearly update has become. Then painkillers wear off (female head of household’s broken leg begins to heal).
However, in late 2007, with holiday card season approaching, we recall that brief, codeine-induced thought, probably because leg now serves as occasional bad-weather barometer. And so begins Christmas quest: Can Hamiltons do heartwarming?
We think to ourselves that spirit of season surely must be alive in three angelic children. As luck would have it, young Lauren is soon spotted playing with toy nativity set recently unearthed from basement. Nativity figures are neatly arranged in semicircle around cherubic baby Jesus. On closer inspection, Jesus’ crowd of admirers includes Santa, an elf, and Mrs. Claus. Menagerie in stable has been joined by reindeer. Lauren adds Christmas tree to corner of stable, and for finishing touch, delicately places dollhouse-size toy pizza under tree. Time to vacate area before lightning strikes.
Later we retreat to laptop, pondering heartwarming highlights from 2007. Christmas spirit is about to flow forth when Leah approaches with remote control, in pieces. Favorite self-stim activity, embarked upon whenever parents forget to hide relevant equipment, has recently devolved to dismantling remote. Extreme irritation quickly supplants heartwarming sentiments as we are forced to point out to Leah that umpteenth attempt at destruction has resulted in tear in rubber keypad. Leah replies, in best well-duh voice, “Tape.” Future Christmas moment pondered, in which Leah receives pieces of remote control in stocking.
Rankin-Bass-style Christmas spirit infiltrates household after repeated requests for airing of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Waking hours are not only ones affected by Rudolph overdose. In a dream, female head of household, transported back to college, is about to fail an advanced biology class she has barely bothered to attend or prepare assignments for. Rumpled nutty professor usually featured in dream replaced by Yukon Cornelius. Wahoo!
What could be more heartwarming than tree trimming? During arranging and rearranging of Christmas décor, Lauren and Maddie are observed lining up collection of nutcracker ornaments, apparently engaged in Yuletide tribal council competing for the title of “mediumest.” Parental units toy briefly with abandoning holiday projects in favor of pitching to CBS; in light of writers’ strike, gaping holes on schedule may leave America ripe for Survivor: Nutcracker Island.
In rare attempt to organize approximately 12 tons of school papers, we are reminded that milestones reached often are cornerstones of moving holiday missive. Next paper to come to hand: Note from Leah’s speech pathologist reading, “She was singing about beer today.” Are Santa’s elves mandated reporters?
According to preschool program, “Christmas is All Around.” We can feel heartwarming thought bubbling up from subconscious at sight of four-year-old class playing Bethlehem townspeople. Child playing Mary, however, appears less than impressed. Slumped slightly in oversized chair, baby sprawled in lap, eyes rolled slightly heavenward, her expression is less saintly serenity than something along lines of, “The Son of God is NOT supposed to have colic!” Surreptitious lightning checks ensue.
Rudolph fever reaches zenith at home as Lauren and Maddie propel reindeer cutouts around living room. Addled parental brains initially fail to register dialogue transpiring between Rudolph and Donner, but then realize four-year-old voices have been lowered to growls to better convey characters’ status as ‘mean’ reindeer. “Sometimes,” proclaim mini-growlers, “we eat people.”
With killer reindeer attack imminent, we are forced, finally, to concede that Hamilton holiday happenings are less heartwarming than idiosyncratic. We give.
Wishing you a unique 2008!
– The Hamilton Family

Funny-back guarantee: If the humor in this year’s installment does not meet expectations, you can view past years’ offerings: 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002.