Meeting of the (quirky) minds?

What do you get when you cross Leah's Simpsons obsession with Lauren and Maddie's Playhouse Disney favorites, Little Einsteins and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse?

You get Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Daisy, and Goofy figures singing, "Mr. Plow, that's my name, that name again is Mr. Plow." (See The Simpsons, Season 4, which my DH gave me for my birthday a few years ago, and has entered regular DVD rotation.)

Christmas Present: The 2007 Holiday Letter

For the one or two of you who were wondering where it is:

A heartfelt (and heartwarming?) holiday greeting
December 2006: Annual batch of Hamilton holiday greetings are dispatched to post office, leaving us to ponder whether spirit of Christmas season would be better served by a heartwarming family message, instead of salute to sarcasm our yearly update has become. Then painkillers wear off (female head of household’s broken leg begins to heal).
However, in late 2007, with holiday card season approaching, we recall that brief, codeine-induced thought, probably because leg now serves as occasional bad-weather barometer. And so begins Christmas quest: Can Hamiltons do heartwarming?
We think to ourselves that spirit of season surely must be alive in three angelic children. As luck would have it, young Lauren is soon spotted playing with toy nativity set recently unearthed from basement. Nativity figures are neatly arranged in semicircle around cherubic baby Jesus. On closer inspection, Jesus’ crowd of admirers includes Santa, an elf, and Mrs. Claus. Menagerie in stable has been joined by reindeer. Lauren adds Christmas tree to corner of stable, and for finishing touch, delicately places dollhouse-size toy pizza under tree. Time to vacate area before lightning strikes.
Later we retreat to laptop, pondering heartwarming highlights from 2007. Christmas spirit is about to flow forth when Leah approaches with remote control, in pieces. Favorite self-stim activity, embarked upon whenever parents forget to hide relevant equipment, has recently devolved to dismantling remote. Extreme irritation quickly supplants heartwarming sentiments as we are forced to point out to Leah that umpteenth attempt at destruction has resulted in tear in rubber keypad. Leah replies, in best well-duh voice, “Tape.” Future Christmas moment pondered, in which Leah receives pieces of remote control in stocking.
Rankin-Bass-style Christmas spirit infiltrates household after repeated requests for airing of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Waking hours are not only ones affected by Rudolph overdose. In a dream, female head of household, transported back to college, is about to fail an advanced biology class she has barely bothered to attend or prepare assignments for. Rumpled nutty professor usually featured in dream replaced by Yukon Cornelius. Wahoo!
What could be more heartwarming than tree trimming? During arranging and rearranging of Christmas décor, Lauren and Maddie are observed lining up collection of nutcracker ornaments, apparently engaged in Yuletide tribal council competing for the title of “mediumest.” Parental units toy briefly with abandoning holiday projects in favor of pitching to CBS; in light of writers’ strike, gaping holes on schedule may leave America ripe for Survivor: Nutcracker Island.
In rare attempt to organize approximately 12 tons of school papers, we are reminded that milestones reached often are cornerstones of moving holiday missive. Next paper to come to hand: Note from Leah’s speech pathologist reading, “She was singing about beer today.” Are Santa’s elves mandated reporters?
According to preschool program, “Christmas is All Around.” We can feel heartwarming thought bubbling up from subconscious at sight of four-year-old class playing Bethlehem townspeople. Child playing Mary, however, appears less than impressed. Slumped slightly in oversized chair, baby sprawled in lap, eyes rolled slightly heavenward, her expression is less saintly serenity than something along lines of, “The Son of God is NOT supposed to have colic!” Surreptitious lightning checks ensue.
Rudolph fever reaches zenith at home as Lauren and Maddie propel reindeer cutouts around living room. Addled parental brains initially fail to register dialogue transpiring between Rudolph and Donner, but then realize four-year-old voices have been lowered to growls to better convey characters’ status as ‘mean’ reindeer. “Sometimes,” proclaim mini-growlers, “we eat people.”
With killer reindeer attack imminent, we are forced, finally, to concede that Hamilton holiday happenings are less heartwarming than idiosyncratic. We give.
Wishing you a unique 2008!
– The Hamilton Family

Funny-back guarantee: If the humor in this year’s installment does not meet expectations, you can view past years’ offerings: 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002.

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and ... Lauren

It's all Rudolph all the time at our house this month. Here's Lauren's interpretation of the holiday classic. (Note to self: batteries in electronic keyboard will not be particularly missed if removed.)

Actually, you should have gone shopping

Somebody (or rather, somebodies) took the song "All I Want For Christmas Is You" a little too literally.

Christmas Is All Around

That was the title of this year's Community United Methodist preschool Christmas program. Unfortunately, it's also the title of the song Bill Nighy's washed-up rocker sang in Love, Actually. So when it was time for them to sing "Christmas is All Around," all I could think of was Bill's line when his song becomes the Christmas number one: "Not that crap again!"

Which is, of course, exactly the reverence with which all parents should approach their children's public performances.

You know Dasher and Dancer and ... Maddie and Lauren?

Their dance class at Arts N Motion has included festive prancing in reindeer antlers.

Secret Santa?

We have no idea what Maddie was telling Santa, but he looks riveted. Lauren waited with Maddie in line but decided she wanted no part of him when their turn came. (She did deign to accept a goody bag, though.) A few minutes afterward, Maddie suddenly stopped and announced, "We have to go back." When I asked her why, she said, "I forgot to tell him we're going to be in Florida!"

Must ... resist ... cliche ...

I am NOT going to make any reference to a late-December holiday and Leah's feelings about a pair of central incisors. It keeps popping into my head, though, like a bad advertising jingle you want to forget but can't. It's lodged in my brain between the number for Empire Carpet and "the lawyer who sends flowers" (yes, there was a member of the Texas bar some years ago who billed himself that way).

In yet another quality parenting moment, we keep forgetting to have the tooth fairy pay up. Maybe that's why she's been kind of a pill this week. In five years she'll tell us, "Remember that week before Christmas when I made a lot of bad choices? Well, I was upset the tooth fairy didn't bring me any M&Ms."

Ghosts of Christmas Past: 2002

The year we moved to Maryland, and the last time we tried poetry at holiday card time. We conducted an unscientific experiment to ascertain who was actually reading the Christmas letter by putting the news of the twins at the end.

’Twas the Night Before Christmas 2002

’Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house

One poor creature was stirring, trying hard not to grouse.

While Alison and Leah were tucked up in bed,

Mike lay awake, restless, a sound in his head.

Such rumbling and whistling! Through his eardrums it bored

As his wife, dreaming happily, lay beside him and snored.

He could cope with her hormones, her changes in mood,

The fatigue and the nausea, the aversion to food.

But the nightly assault taking place on his ear

Left him thinking of June, when the due date will near.

Pregnancy symptoms aside, we’re all feeling quite good

Getting used to the seasons in our new neighborhood.

We couldn’t wait to take pictures of Leah in snow.

She took two steps outside and decided, “hell, no!”

It was hard to leave Florida; it’s our friends we miss most.

But we know it was right, because Mike loves the Post.

Leah’s busy all day drawing, playing, and swinging.

And that tune you may hear -- it’s Blue’s Clues she’s singing.

Some days we’re laughing, other days we’re perplexed

When she’s an angel one minute and Young Satan the next.

It’s par for the course -- after all, she’s now two,

With a mind of her own and trouble to brew.

As always, we welcome visits from friends

And hope we’ll see some of you before next year ends.

One more thing we should mention, that may cause some grins --

Our arrival in June is going to be twins!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: 2003

We were eager to show off new babies with an adorable holiday picture. The kids had other ideas.

Anatomy of a holiday photo shoot:

• Accept that Christmas picture of all three children requires parents' presence in photo. Take shower. Unearth eyeliner and lipstick
• Make sure children are fed and napped. Eye babies suspiciously for signs of spit-up.
• Brandish hairbrush at 3-year-old. Detangle hair, pull back from face while 3-year-old tries to hide under kitchen table. Regret procrastinating on haircut.
• Remove Bobby-Q the Talking Grill from hearth. Search for shut-off button as he announces, "Hey, c'mon, let's fire up the grill!" Consider permanent removal of his batteries. Trip on ExerSaucers. Move those too.
• Hand Auntie Julie digital camera upon her arrival for playtime with nieces.
• Persuade 3-year-old to put down Blue's Clues toothbrush and toothpaste. Hide them while praising her commitment to dental hygiene. Move children toward fireplace.
• Assign Daddy task of holding twins. Envelop 3-year-old in bear hug. Attempt to sugarcoat true purpose with words of affection. 3-year-old is not fooled.
• Moons align briefly, with all three children looking at camera. Auntie Julie’s verdict: "Pretty cute." Decide to try a few more.
• Persuade babies not to munch on fingers. Foil 3-year-old's escape attempt. 3-year-old squints as shutter clicks.
• Auntie Julie calls out to twins in best baby voice. Babies munch on feet. 3-year-old squirms some more.
• Auntie Julie makes faces at babies over top of camera. Babies fascinated by floor. Decide cradle cap is not their best feature. Keep trying.
• Allow spouse to wrangle giggles from 3-year-old by substituting "Mommy's a stinker" for "Cheese!" Envision day when "Who's a stinker?" routine loses appeal. Babies study ceiling fan.
• 3-year-old escapes, wrestles camera from Auntie Julie, demanding to see pictures on LCD display. Babies look straight at Auntie Julie and grin.
• Switch children with spouse. One baby looks out window; other baby studies older sister's passive resistance. Pray she is too young to absorb technique.
• 3-year-old locates toothbrush. Declare photo session over, for now. Review results on laptop screen. Contemplate another try.
• Select first photo. Decide Leah's protruding tongue and Daddy's crooked glasses are small price to pay for completion of Christmas card order. Fantasize about next year's picture.

Warm holiday wishes from the hectic, happy Hamilton household.

Ghosts of Christmas Past: 2004

Two toddlers. A singleton unsure how she felt about their newfound mobility. Need I say more?

Christmas 2004

Dear Santa,

We are eagerly anticipating your visit this year. Leah is honing her cookie-baking skills, including removing shells from the eggs and actually sticking to the recipe, instead of trying to improve it by adding half a bag of ground coffee to the batter.

With the big day approaching, we felt it was time to clear up any lingering misconceptions about our behavior. Lauren and Maddie, for example, are concerned that their motive for unrolling all that toilet paper might not be immediately obvious. They want to ensure the family is adequately supplied, and feel that counting each square allows them to inform their parents exactly when to add Charmin Ultra to the grocery list. As for the number of squares placed in the toilet bowl during these endeavors, Lauren and Maddie are trying to be extra-helpful by ensuring that all toilets in the house are flushing properly. Adding toilet paper is a quick way to spot potential problems. The twins are also trying to help when they count the Kleenex, and are also testing the ease with which each tissue may be removed from the box. The last thing a cold or flu sufferer will want is difficulty obtaining relief.

Leah also is worried about misunderstandings, particularly about the number of times she has been forced to remove toys from her sisters’ custody. Leah is very concerned about preserving family heritage, and the damage that small and inexperienced hands may inflict on priceless potential heirlooms. While she acknowledges that her actions may upset Lauren and Maddie now, she also feels that they will thank her years from now when they are able to pass Hokey Pokey Elmo on to their own children in near-mint condition.

All three of us want you to know that any relocation of Christmas tree ornaments is strictly for aesthetic purposes, as well as a continuation of family traditions. It was Mommy, after all, who once was a frequent ornament-switcher in her efforts to perfect the tree. True, some ornaments have ended up on the windowsill or dotting the living room floor; these are creative choices, and Mommy’s insistence on putting them back on the tree simply demonstrates a rather limited vision. Any breakage during this process is a small price to pay for art, don’t you think?

And while we’re on the subject of Christmas decorations, Lauren and Maddie would like to point out that if Fisher Price did not intend their nativity set to be mingled with other toys, they should not have designed baby Jesus to fit so nicely on the Circus Train. Judging by the smile on his face, Jesus quite enjoyed the rides he was given.

Knowing all that, we know you agree that there’s really no option here but to place all three of us high on your “nice” list for 2004. We look forward to putting out the cookies and milk again this year.

Sincerely,

Leah, Lauren, and Madeleine Hamilton

Ghosts of Christmas Past: 2005

The ornaments were flying off the tree as fast as Tickle Me Elmo was flying off the shelves about a decade ago (thank God we didn't have kids back then).

To-Do List, Holidays 2005

· Put up tree. Explain to toddlers that glass ornament balls do not bounce.
· Sweep up glass ornament shards after twins test veracity of explanation.
· Introduce children to Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and Christmas specials. Do small happy dance when characters not named Dora, Boots, Diego or Tico generate enthusiasm.
· Load minivan with backup outfits, wipes, bribes, snacks, and juice. Squeeze kids into car also and take to family portrait appointment.
· Explain to photographer that “Bananapants!” is more effective smile-inducer than traditional “cheese.” Spend a couple of minutes explaining word’s “Dora the Explorer” origin in order to avoid receiving credit for it.
· Search digital slideshow for image with all three children looking toward camera, preferably without protruding tongues or expressions of horror. Inquire about photographer’s Photoshop knowledge. Consider other uses for outtakes.
· Make digital voice recording: “Ornaments stay on tree!” Place among branches.
· Locate kids’ sunglasses in summer swim bag. Give them to kids for viewing light display across the street.
· Disband Nutcracker army amassed under dining room table. Re-hang nutcracker ornaments on tree. Use SuperGlue if needed.
· Explain to five-year-old that Christmas stockings, painstakingly needlepointed by her grandmother, are not footwear, despite their name.
· Recycle InStyle magazine containing holiday gift guide. (They lost me at “tie-front belt of rabbit fur and sequined faux suede.”)
· Play Charlie Brown specials. Again.
· Remove Swiper and Little People policeman from nativity scene. Again.
· Introduce “Santa Claus is watching you” into family lexicon. Evaluate effectiveness under following circumstances: jumping on bed after lights out; overnight wake-ups involving video reenactments; insistent demands for chocolate-chip-cookie breakfast; toy theft; stripping of ornaments from tree.
· Apply for credit card with rewards program to cover expense of gifts to approximately 5,352 school personnel and therapy providers. (Goal: Parlay some of gift investment into fabulous trip to exotic destination. At this rate, should be attainable by late 2006).
· Re-hang more ornaments and erect chain-link fence around tree.
· Find out whether iTunes accepts returns. (Note to self: When you download tunes like “Feliz Navidad” and “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” for fun, chances are high that at least one of the children will adopt them as favorite holiday anthems and will insist on hearing them multiple times during one car trip.)
· Shovel path to front door. Then do the same outside.
· Take children to see Santa Claus. Convince them that they have not truly “seen” Santa unless they get close enough to him that he can see them.
· Show five-year-old how to “twin-proof” her room using objects from her environment: holiday catalogs, Styrofoam peanuts, and curling ribbon.
· Accidentally erase Charlie Brown specials from TiVo.
· New Year’s resolution: De-program children from week of unabashed spoiling by aunts, grandparents and great-grandmother.
Wishing you a joyous, prosperous, and (above all) sane New Year!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: 2006

The Year of Jose Feliciano. It really was the most played song on my iPod that year.

The Twelve Months of Christmas
Or, “Feliz Navidad” meets iPod: A cautionary tale

January 2006: Minimal arguments when tree comes down and holiday lights go out around neighborhood, yet requests for “Feliz Navidad” during car rides continue unabated. Apparently the holidays are over everywhere but our minivan.

February: Holiday ornaments AWOL from tree begin turning up among couch cushions. “Feliz Navidad” climbs to top of ‘Top 25 Most Played’ iTunes playlist. “Christmas is over” battle plan abandoned in favor of more serious skirmish: Convincing Leah that practicing contortions that allow her to get out of her car seat without unfastening the seat belt is not a good use of her time. Jose Feliciano continues to rule minivan airwaves.

March: “Viva Las Vegas” takes over during two-day reprieve from festive holiday tunes – sister Heather’s bachelorette shenanigans. Upon return to reality, however, kids find it a poor substitute for their favorite. A fading temporary tattoo of the cast of “Thunder from Down Under” is then the only souvenir of the weekend.

April: Arrival of Easter and temporary fascination with plastic eggs and bunnies do not lessen requests for a certain Christmas carol. iPod once again gets a break from holiday cheer during trip to California for Heather’s wedding. No reprieve for babysitter, however, since Leah has located “Feliz Navidad” on home computer.

May: “Feliz Navidad” emanates from minivan during drizzly wait at bus stop. Passing neighbor smiles, says, “I like your Christmas music.” No time to ponder whether this means, “You guys are endearingly quirky” or, “Two houses between yours and mine is not nearly enough.”

June: The community pool is open, but the spirit of Christmas continues. Mood in driver’s seat wavers between ‘bah, humbug’ and alarm at inadvertent harmonizing with Jose Feliciano.

July: “Feliz Navidad” perks up twins on ride home from Fourth of July fireworks. After an impatient half-hour wait, twins dive for cover at first explosion. Once equilibrium is restored, Maddie, in classic display of 3-year-old logic, calls fireworks “cute” and declares, “I love them!”

August: iPod returns to Apple for battery replacement. Repeated acquiescence to “Feliz Navidad” requests probably partly to blame. After a couple of weeks of reliance on local radio (calling in a request for “Feliz Navidad” seemed imprudent), iPod returns in time for Leah’s surf day in Virginia Beach. Christmas spirit is alive and well on the shore.

September: Reprieve? Laurie Berkner challenges Jose Feliciano in backseat passengers’ affections with “The Happiest Song I Know” and “I’m Not Perfect.” Minivan musical repertoire occasionally expands to include Carly Simon’s “Coming Around Again,” acceptable because it includes the lyrics to “Itsy Bitsy Spider.” “Feliz Navidad” still periodically requested.

October: New song preferences wear thin in driver’s seat. “Snuggle Puppy,” a musical take on a favorite Sandra Boynton book, is introduced. Regret follows minutes later, when it becomes clear that listeners are not satisfied unless song is played a minimum of three consecutive times. “Feliz Navidad” regains some appeal.

November: Spouse downloads soundtrack from “Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.” Three delighted Disney fans decide they not only like to request Mickey songs, they also like to sing along at high volume. At times, adult playlists can be substituted without vocalists noticing. The lesson: some “grownup” songs mix better with Mickey Mouse lyrics than others do.

December: Christmas carol playlist makes annual debut on drive to holiday festival. When “Feliz Navidad” comes on, Maddie asks, “Is this a Christmas song?”

Wishing you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of our hearts,
The Hamiltons: Mike, Alison, Leah, Lauren, and Madeleine

Maybe Baghdad ain't so bad